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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Doctor In The House


As a blogger, I'm expected to follow a well established, though usually unwritten, code of behavior. Among the 70-odd rules [yes, they're listed as "Suggested Lifestyle", but they're as firm as the concrete that holds what was mortal of Jimmy Hoffa] is one I like to call #47: "Never admit to enjoying anything considered pop culture". Blogging is supposed to be the last bastion of iconoclastic losers...sorry, I meant "loners". Yes, "loners" [although if someone throws me in the Loony Bin, I really can't argue too much, now can I?]. Well, I like Pop-Tarts. I like Diet Pepsi [together with Pop-Tarts]. And I like House, MD.
(Actually I admitted to that one once before, in a roundabout way; during the Writer's Strike, I noted that I wanted more episodes of House. Fortunately, that worked itself out)
Then again, my enjoyment is built on some odd circumstances. Because of my transportation requirements [going to work], and the current FOX schedule, I only get to see the first half of any given episode [I was able to catch up on Friday nights, when they'd rerun an old episode. But now the weasels at Fox are running movies on Friday nights. And not so-bad-they're-good "movies of the week". No, these are movies I didn't want to see at the theater, and don't want to see now! ]. Still, with House I don't need to know what the disease is. I just want to see the people who interact with Dr. House resist the understandable desire to punch his lights out. Yes, he's a medical savant. Mozart was a musical savant. And history [as well as the excellent movie Amadeus] tells us he was no walk on the beach, either.
Another enjoyable part of the show is that it is as rigorously formatted as a Sherlock Holmes story. A brief prologue shows the subject of the episode suddenly suffering some severe and mysterious illness. Then, the show [almost always] has House explaining the symptoms, and asking his team for suggestions about what to do next[Those suggestions are met with contempt by House who, we suspect, knows exactly what's wrong, but wants someone to confirm his theory: he obviously believes that, if the answer is obvious to the cretins he works with, it must be correct].
Another regular part of the show is the scene that reveals the patient is getting worse; this is indicated by he or she coughing up blood [The Woman I Love pointed this out to me; now we wait patiently for the Great Indicator. Last night's episode held the CUB scene 'till halfway through; usually it comes about 20 minutes in, in case you're wondering. Sensitive souls are advised to get their snack around that time]. I can't imagine how much fake blood has passed the lips of guest stars, but it must be in the tens of gallons! More visceral than convulsions, more visual than a spastic colon, the CUB scene is as much a part of a House episode as an OLS [obligatory Lesbian scene] is in an adult movie [or so I'm told].
(By the way, if anyone from FOX is reading this, do America [and yourselves] a favor. Ditch those movies on Friday night, and give us more House.)
Thank you...
-Mike Riley

7 comments:

Deb said...

I love me some Gregory House. FOX can suck it. But real bloggers drink Diet Coke, baby. You are such a rebel!

Grumpus. said...

Capital idea! I would love me an apple Pop Tart (for nutrients) and Diet Pepsi right this second. Why is it dark and I'm in my pajamas??? The 7-year old version of me would not believe that as an adult who can eat shit whenever I want, I'm not trotting 3 blocks to 7-11 to satisfy this hankerin.' However, I also have a severe shortage of blanket forts in my apartment, so adulthood clearly is not all it's cracked up to be in childhood imaginings.

Mike Riley said...

Deb-
-Actually, I really do prefer Diet Pepsi. In addition, though, Diet Pepsi very quietly bought exclusive "pouring rights" to all my blogs about a year ago [and have yet to pay a penny, them dadbum no-nation heathens! If they don't cough up at least a couple of six-packs of those damn 8-ounce cans SOON, I'm switching to diet Royal Crown [do they still make RC, by the bye?].

Grumpus-

Nice to hear from you. Sorry you couldn't make the roast, but maybe I'll try it again in a few years. As to realizing that adulthood-reality sucks compared to adulthood-child vision: NO SHIT!

-MR

Relax Max said...

Hi Mike. Good post. At least now I know what I am doing wrong: I never got the blogging rule book. :)

And thanks for your comments over at "that" place. I enjoy your humor. But don't get scared off - we are sometimes a tough bunch of pricks over there. That's why Grumpus and her ilk are afraid to show. Vodka notwithstanding.

But you can take it, Mike. Cinch up your ball sack and belly up to the bar, ok? Stay the fuck away from BritishSpeak, though. That's some serious stuff, K? There are actual real live Brits that read that shit. :)

Sue said...

My mom always used to make me strawberry pop-tarts in the toaster. There is no other way to prepare them, they must be toasted NOT MICROWAVED!

Laura said...

Watch out on that loser versus loner slip. Your blog can be yanked (painfully through small cavities) at any time. We are watching you.

The Blogging Police.

Relax Max said...

"Firm as the concrete that holds Jimmy Hoffa."

I can dig it.

Nice post. :)