Monday, March 3, 2008

Suri, Poor Suri

Writing a blog, like having the powers of Spider-Man, brings with it great responsibility. Not that I'm allowed to swing by web across the skies over Buffalo, the Manhattan of Upstate New York (besides, there are really big gaps between the buildings here; Urban Renewal 2.0 hasn't gotten here yet. And have I mentioned that I get airsick? Dramamine won't work here, I suspect), but there is an obligation, as the Author Of Record here, to be as accurate and honest as an habitual liar like myself can be.
In that spirit, I am sitting here with the current issue of Star, a notorious gossip magazine. The cover this time around is focused on Suri Cruise, specifically "Suri's Strange World"! A title like this naturally brings forth a question or two:
- Does Suri live on a planet besides the Earth? (Well, no. She resides with her parents on Terra Firma, just as you and I do [unless, of course, you're using an Alien-Human converter to enjoy this entry. If you are, stay with me on this one. It gets interesting...]
-Why is Suri's world strange? (Well, to begin with, her parents follow a set of beliefs its practitioners call "reasonable", but many other people call plain loony. If you really want to pursue this line of reasoning, Google "Scientology" and judge for yourself.)
The article goes on to give some examples of why Suri's world is so "strange". She, as are her older step-siblings, is being raised in the beliefs of Scientology. And whose parents, comfortable in their belief-system, didn't raise their children in that belief system? [Granted, the Cruises have no employees dealing with Suri who aren't Scientologists, but such actions are not unheard-of from those of other belief systems]
According to the "report", Suri is not allowed to watch TV! I could argue for some television on the basis that some historic events are worth watching. But, given the state of current TV [and who better than Hollywood "insiders" to know what's going on?], I can't really blame Tom and Katie on that one.
Further, Suri is not allowed to eat Happy Meals! [Friends, as an obese over-consumer of fast foods, I don't see that one as a problem. I have no children, but I certainly have friends who do. Many of them swore up and down that their children would eat no processed sugar or flour, until they were lost to their first view of that Lovable Hamburger Clown who shall otherwise remain nameless. Granted, Tom does not allow Suri to watch TV, but the minions of the LHC are Legion, and their powers of persuasion Undeniable...] If the 21-month-old ever has a desire for an iPod, her father will select the music. Reading this coolly, as I hope you consume every word on this page, does that sound so bad? People, he's being responsible!
This has put me a difficult position. It must be a Leap Year. I'm giving Tom and Katie Cruise "props" for being reasonably good [if more than a little over-cautious] parents.
Maybe they took Kevin Federline's correspondence course?
-Mike Riley


Grumpus said...

I think Scientology is crock, but all that aside I got a wince/giggle combo out of this Star headline too!! The examples used to indicate Suri's strange reality weren't that compelling. No McDonald's? No TV? Those sick bastards. That isn't America!!

Mike Riley said...

For what it's worth, the stranger reality can be summed up in six words:
Kevin Federline is the RESPONSIBLE parent.

-Thanks for checking in. I've always enjoyed "WTGD"


Anonymous said...

The reason Star can't come up with any more serious than the silliness on their pages is because Suri may be schooled on scientology but it is the celebrity scientology. If she were a real scientology kid, she would most likely be separated from her parents as soon as she could start feeding herself and put into child labour only seeing her parents perhaps 2ce a year or as dictated by the cult. So, yeah, Suri has it very, very easy. Her worst problem is the barley water she has to drink.