Dog Daze

If there's one thing that drives any resident of the White House absolutely bonkers, it's the fact that there are no secrets at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. So, despite the Obama Administration's best efforts, and a planned revelatory press conference scheduled for tomorrow [Tuesday], no one should be surprised that one of the bigger questions about the still-new President's home staff has already been answered, albeit unofficially; namely, the identity of the breed of the White House dog.

A quick review: on Election Night, President-Elect Obama promised in his acceptance speech that First Daughters Malia and Sasha would receive a dog when they moved into the Presidential mansion [presumably a reward for good behavior during the campaign. At the time, the promise of another First Dog in the White House drew as many headlines as the oft-repeated rumor that Malia and Sasha would be guest-starring in an episode of Hannah Montana]. Complicating the choice; one of the Obama children [I honestly forget which one] has allergy issues. This, of course, would limit the number of breeds that could be considered.

Public opinion was split on what the national [and international] media quickly named the Dog Question: the President said he was leaning towards "a mutt, like [himself]". Critics pointed out that a non-purebred puppy would be beneath the dignity of the nation's highest office. As the debate raged on, the business of America, already crippled by the on-going financial crisis, ground to a virtual halt.Finally, the Administration realized that the Dog Question needed resolution, and fast.It sprang into action.

The first step was the creation of an internal think-tank, called the Office of Dog Selection, Vetting [no one wanted to bring a scandal-ridden canine into the still-popular Obama White House], and Acquisition (ODSVA). Following the long-time Washington tradition that the most undesirable jobs go to one man, Vice-President Joe Biden was quickly appointed head of the new office [a Democratic insider noted, "Let's face it, he's got the time"]. Biden's first appointments to ODSVA included:

Cesar Millan - TV's "Dog Whisperer"...

Lassie - America's best-known dog [as well as America's best known female impersonator, since Lassie is always portrayed by a male dog; Biden received wide praise for this master-stroke, including both Middle America and the transvestite communities in a single choice], and, in a nod to bipartisanship...

Ron Paul - failed Republican candidate for President in the 2008 election ["Let's face it", one GOP insider noted, "he's got the time"].

The ODSVA was quickly established in a former missile silo in South Dakota. A series of rapid-fire meetings soon produced a "short list" of candidates [leaked to me by a former high school classmate now working in the State Department; sorry I can't be more specific than that]:

Fifi- a toy poodle. Met the hypoallergenic problem, but fell short on the "image" issue [reportedly, even Lassie turned "paws down" on her];

Shredder - a pit bull. Got surprisingly high marks from the Secret Service, but reportedly "unnerved" one of the Obama children;

Scoobie-Doo - iconic cartoon character. Actually went over quite well with the Obamas, but difficulties with the 3-D generation technology [especially outdoors] made his selection problematic, at best. In an effort to save the choice, White House officials reportedly experimented with...

an actor, dressed as Scoobie-Doo - unfortunately, he reportedly "creeped out" one of the Obamas [not the children, interestingly enough]. Perhaps it was his demand for "cigarette breaks" every two hours?

Finally, the committee decided on:
Bo - a Portuguese Water Dog. Reportedly offered by ailing Democratic patriarch Edward M. Kennedy [whose switch from supporting Hillary Clinton to Obama in the Presidential election may have helped push the President "over the top" in the campaign. A suggestion by the Secretary of State to gift Kennedy with "Shredder" was rejected as "mean-spirited" by the ODSVA].

At any rate, the new First Dog will be officially introduced sometime Tuesday. Don't say this blog didn't try to give you the news before it happened...

-Mike Riley

Messing With House's Head

Regular visitors to this blog [which reaches its 150th post with this entry] know that I am quite the fan of the TV series House M.D. [as opposed to Doogie Howser, MD]. House being the kind of show it is, it frequently explores life-and-death issues in dramatic and unexpected ways. This past week, death came in an unexpected way to the doctors' side of the equation, with the unexpected suicide of series regular "Dr. Lawrence Kutner" [Kai Penn].

Well, first of all, there had been clues. As someone cagily pointed out in a "Comments" section on one of many blogs to discuss the event, "Kutner" was the only member of "House"'s new team not to have his private life examined. Through most of this season, Hugh Laurie has spoken in interviews of a "cataclysmic" event that would change the show's direction [indeed, in an article in last Sunday's Parade Magazine, he discussed his own struggle with depression, and mentioned the show's association with the National Alliance on Mental Illness]. Further, Kai Penn's exit isn't for one of the typical reasons that cause TV death [money issues, going on to movies, "creative differences"]. No, he's decided to take a medium-level job in the Obama Administration, working on liaisons between the White House and the entertainment community; Penn has been interested in politics for some time, and worked on the Obama election team, when time allowed. He says his stay in DC is of "uncertain" length, but plans an eventual return to acting.

Such unexpected changes on a TV series are sometimes called "jumping the shark" [from an episode of "Happy Days" where Fonzie did just that]; I think it's a bit premature to call Kutner's suicide another jump. First of all, foreshadowed or not, a suicide is always an unexpected, tragic event. Sadly, I would guess most of you reading this have an experience with a friend's or relative's suicide [I had a friend from high school kill himself the summer after graduation; one of my uncles also took his own life]. Certainly, it was a dramatic bombshell; such unexpected events were part of the myths and legends of every culture, and remain so to this day. Was the House audience emotionally exploited by it? Of course. By the act of suspending disbelief, we set ourselves up for such shocks. It's part of getting involved in an on-going story, caring about the people whose fictional lives we follow.

For what it's worth, I think the real "shark jumping" moment this season is yet to come; the widely-rumored consummation of the House - Cuddy relationship. Such relieving of sexual tension never works out; anybody old enough to remember Moonlighting, a show that was more consistently "out there" than House [or just about any other TV series ever aired on American broadcast TV, for that matter] will tell you they could have struck the sets after "Addie" and "Maddie" did The Big Nasty.

The Good Development from all this [and there is one] is the potential for character growth on the part of Dr House: yes, he will no doubt remain the "Sherlock Holmes" of medicine, solving the unsolvable cases. But even Holmes failed on a few occasions [so has House, but not so much lately]. Now he'll be confronted with resolving an act that, most likely, is unresolvable. The man with all the answers has a pounding question in the back of his head, and, unless and until he can find an answer, he won't be able to make it stop. We await future developments...

A final point; after Fonzie jumped that shark on water skis [Fonzie, not the shark], Happy Days went on to a further 100 episodes. Whether they were as good as what preceded them is a matter of opinion, but, if memory serves me right, it remained a top 10 - rated show for most of that time. Will House hold its position as one of TV's most fascinating hours? Time will tell.

-Mike Riley

Miss Scarlet, In The Bedroom, With A Tube Of Toothpaste

Not everyone is good at solving them, but most people seem to enjoy watching, or reading, or acting out, a good mystery. There's a beaut of one currently under investigation in Germany's capitol city, Berlin. A man there was reportedly spotted trying to leave a supermarket with a suspicious bulge under his coat. When a store employee grabbed him, 68 tubes of toothpaste fell to the floor. The thwarted thief punched the clerk, and in the confusion made his escape. His whereabouts, according to Reuters, remain a mystery. But far from the only one.

For instance, what does someone do with 68 tubes of toothpaste? Is he planning a massive "brushing" party? Could he be a dentist, stocking up to give free tubes to his patients? Or is there some darker purpose to his theft?

Before you laugh that theory off, consider a recent episode of the frighteningly-popular TV series, "CSI"; while performing an autopsy on a woman who had died of unknown causes, a "minty odor" was discovered in her stomach, along with an unknown green substance. Turned out the green stuff was fluoride toothpaste. The criminologists first theorized that the woman's husband had attempted a fairly clever crime with an unlikely murder weapon. One of the "experts" pointed out that fluoride toothpaste, consumed in large enough quantities, could be fatal [it is known that, before fluoride's tooth-preservation qualities were discovered at the end of World War II, it was principally used in rat poison and other vermin-exterminating products]. It came out during the episode that the woman in question [a former dental assistant] had an ulcer, causing damage to the stomach lining that would somehow increase the risks. It was estimated that two tubes of fluoride toothpaste [14 oz. or so each] would be enough to kill an adult. (For the record, the woman decided to kill herself, and set up an incredibly difficult suicide method that involved her handcuffing herself to the marital bed [it was bondage night], swallowing the fatal tubes of toothpaste, then undergoing what was described as an excruciatingly-painful death. All this, we add, to frame her husband for the murder.)

So, is there anything to this theory? Well, maybe. After running a Google Search [how else would you research it?], the mainstream site WebMD had nothing on the issue, but there were more than a few other sites willing to chime in on the matter. And almost all of them caution their readers to avoid fluoride [admittedly, most of them advised parents to strictly monitor how their children used fluoride in toothpaste and drinking water; a few, however, expressed the view that fluoride was unsafe for any one. One site mentioned the "two tubes will kill an adult" ratio used in the TV program]. Don't get me wrong; I respect WebMD, but I found out about the link between artificial sweeteners and nerve damage on The 700 Club, a good year before it crossed over to mainstream media. If you need a new issue to worry about, I'm glad to help.

-Mike Riley

Scent Of A Pharoh

I am no expert when it comes to science. I know from observation [a scientific technique] that it has its limits when it comes to answering the "big questions" [as most scientists will acknowledge]. That said, I am usually amazed by the scope of the questions that science will take a shot at.

Consider the woman pictured at right; she was one of the few female pharaohs in Egypt's history [the picture is from a statue in her temple]; Hatshepsut ruled the Egyptian Empire for 22 years, beginning about 1479 BC, after the death of her half-brother and husband [Euuuwww; I know such arrangements weren't that uncommon in the Nile Crescent, but Euuuwww] Pharaoh Thutmose II. Hatshepsut [oh, let's call her "Hattie" for short, ok?] was only supposed to be a regent, until her stepson, Thutmose III [imagine the razzing he could have gotten on the way to school...oh, wait, he was a god-in-training...never mind...] reached adulthood [which, if memory serves me right, was, what, 14?]. But Hattie held onto the throne for over 20 years, before dying. (The fate of Thutmose 3, which sounds a little like a bad movie sequel, is not as well known as step-mom's.) For what it's worth, her reign looks like a fairly good one, including:

-mostly peaceful times [although she's believed to have led at least one military action personally],

-re-opening trade routes closed by war,

-spearheading several impressive public-works projects [including a rather spectacular tomb for herself],

-making ancient Egypt safer for transvestites [no, really. It turns out that, to make herself appear more regal to the hide-bound traditionalists of the time, she dressed in male clothing, may have worn a fake beard, and had herself pictured in statuary as male], and

-funded a trade expedition that brought, among other things, rare [and highly prized] incense plants to Egypt. It's this last one that has our attention today [Hattie last hit the headlines two years ago, when her mummy was positively identified; she was the first Egyptian royal to be so confirmed since King Tut, way back in 1922].

The bottle at left, discovered in Hatshepsut's final resting place [not that spectacular tomb that she commissioned; more on that in a minute], contains what scientists believe to be a dried-up fragrance fragment from Hattie's perfume of choice. Now the Bonn University Egyptian Museum in Germany thinks it can re-create her scent, based on the residues in the bottle, and a little educated [after all, it is Bonn University] guessing. For instance, the trading expedition that brought incense plants to Egypt was based around present-day Somalia. Combining knowledge of plants common to that region with a deconstruction of the fragrance remnant [x-rays are reportedly involved, but I don't have a clue how], pharmacologists [whom you'd think would be more useful curing the diseases that plague Humanity] believe they can make an approximation of the Royal Aroma. If they succeed, it would be the first such re-creation of a Pharaoh's scent of choice in history [Of course, either way, the whole project calls for a rousing shout of "So what?". I mean, come on; once this perfume is made, we'll never really know if it smells like Hattie's. As for marketing a re-make to the public, perfumers say you need a popular spokesperson to make a new scent work. Granted, Hattie was powerful, and likely enlightened, by the standards of her time. But, and let's be honest here, could she move more product than, say, Britney Spears?]

Hatshepsut [pictured at right in her "male" persona; the object at the base of her chin is a stylized beard] fared badly in her legacy's treatment by the Pharaohs who followed; many of her statues were destroyed, her reputation in history papyrusus was minimized [same thing happened in the Catholic Church to Pope Joan, and in the US Government to J. Edgar Hoover], and her mummy ended up in the Egyptian equivalent of an unmarked grave, with only the remains of a long-time family retainer [believed to be Hattie's wet-nurse, to show how long she'd been a family retainer] for company. In recent years, though, what with her re-discovery in that dark, dank grave, as well as this new project, Hatshepsut is in the middle of a new re-evaluation, and restoration. Fake beard and all.

- Mike Riley

"Miracles Happen Daily"

Just up the street from me, there's a neighborhood beauty salon. Nothing special
about it. Except for a sign that used to be in the front window, until the sun faded it to invisibility. "Want to be sexy?", it asked. "Then come in and get a sexy haircut!" Below that, the phrase that gave the title to this post: "Miracles Happen Daily!" And you know what? They do.


I try not to get involved in what one person or another chooses to believe. Strictly speaking, as a Christian I should be trying to induce anyone who isn't to join up. But I also believe the best way to encourage others to consider your belief system is to be a good example to the world. Then, if someone asks questions, feel free to answer. So, to those who don't believe in a Supreme Being as the cause of miracles, look on the following as a few observations [based on true stories] on how "miracles" happen daily. If you do happen to believe in a Supreme Being, that's o.k., too.

A planeload of people survives a water landing in the middle of Winter. A still-alive person is found in a collapsed building after an earthquake. A man goes over a powerful waterfall with no protective devices, and lives to tell his story. The big miracles still happen, contrary to many peoples' belief. The big ones fascinate us, force us to wonder how what we consider "impossible" can be, leave us puzzling over their significance in our world and our life. But, just as true fans of stage magic prefer the small tricks that can be done on a table-top to larger illusions, many fans of miracles relish the small wonders that happen, well, daily.

Consider Mark Tondreault, of Florida; in two years, he survived a lifetime's worth of illness, emergency surgery, and excruciating recovery. By no means is the story over; Tondreault faces still more therapy. But he's grateful for a "second shot at life". Now, the non-Supreme Being-ists reading this are certainly thinking that Tondreault should be more grateful to his surgeons [and a few in the other camp are probably puzzled that an "SB" would choose to intervene in the life or death of an admitted alcoholic, whose drinking was certainly responsible for some of his illness]. For what it's worth, I agree that Tondreault's medical team deserves credit for his continued survival. For that matter, Tondreault has a strong sense of survival that certainly helps. But, in the face of the "impossible" [or, at the very least, the extremely unlikely], the "M" word certainly comes to mind, either in its traditional or colloquial usage.

Then there are the "random acts of kindness" that turn out spectacularly well. Take Matt Steven. A blind kid takes his team's free throws during a CYO tournament. And winning the championship with one. There's a lot going on here: let's follow the chain slowly, so we don't miss anything. First, Steven's brother taking him along to practice. Then, encouraging his free throw shooting, so he'd practice, and make such a situation possible. Steven's being allowed to travel with the team. The team making arrangements to allow him to take its free throws, not only with the referees, but every other team in the tourney. The other teams agreeing to the arrangement. The fans in attendance, for not sabotaging the situation [remember, people tapping on their seats, or making it impossible for Steven to hear his aural cues from the backboard, would have ended the experiment before it began].I'm probably leaving a link or two out, but you get the idea.



Miracles. They do happen daily. And not just in beauty salons.

-Mike Riley

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"

Anything spectacular is probably propped up "behind the scenes" , one way or another. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" is just good advice when you want to be dazzled. If you want to be dazzled by this post, ignore the next few sentences. I'll let you know when to look again.



The Reuters News Service is one of the world's largest news syndication companies. One of its most popular features is "Oddly Enough News" which, as the name implies, presents unusual, odd, or strange items in the news [the sort of thing that 90's talk-show host Arsenio Hall immortalized as , "Things that make you go, 'H'mmm'"]. Periodically, Reuters allows civilians like you or I to join an e-mail list that gets you each installment. For writers of "Humor" blogs [had you forgotten?], "Oddly Enough News" is a Godsend for inspiration, video, and, when needed, filler. Then again, why do you need filler, when a blogger with an average sense of humor [and I am nothing, if not a blogger with an average sense of humor] can ramble out a few "riffs" based on the original articles? Case in point [okay, eye-averters out there, get ready to be dazzled!]:

I don't know why, but it seems politics are a bit more "colorful" in Europe than here in the US. I'm not exactly sure why; maybe it's the beautiful backgrounds available to protest before [like the canal-based beef at right], or a multiplicity of cultural traditions giving our European friends more to protest about. Perhaps it's just a panache that comes from living in the Old World. In England, for instance, the Local Government Association has asked the powers-that-be in London to lay off 200 words or phrases that they claim, "muddy the communicative waters". Former PM Tony Blair referred to his nation's taxpayers as "stakeholders", according to an article from Reuters; more than a few of them had a fantasy about where to drive the stake. (I have to confess one bit of English Politico-jargon does hit home with me; namely, the term "cascading", referring to the act of sending an e-mail from layer to layer of government. It just sounds so picturesque!)

See how easy it is to write a post item with a bit of inspiration? But I'm not done yet...

In Italy, meantime, stars of the adult film industry frequently take notable "legitimate" roles in politics. A decade or so ago, a major star of such films ran for, was elected, and served at least one term in Italy's Parliament. And earlier this week current porn star Laura Perego [left] stripped to her panties in Milan's stock exchange, in what was termed a "protest" against the world-wide economic crisis. Ms. Perego, who also chose to wear a painted-on Italian flag to demonstrate her concerns with national issues, was quoted as shouting "Italy is down to its underpants!", before being taken away by police. Now why is it that America's "dirty movie" stars can't seem to be bother to speak out?

In France, on the other hand, worries over finances have taken a huge bite out of, well, so I don't scandalise anyone, let's call it the "marital aid" industry [and no, I'm not talking about rebate checks for France's married population]. This goes against everything I've ever believed about such times; I would have thought S-E-X was one of the few things most people could afford to do.

Changing gears, Japan is taking a typically high-tech approach to the high cost of supermodels; a Japanese firm has invented a robot mannequin, capable of walking, posing, and strutting its gear-driven "stuff": [the robot supermodel actually does a couple of things; it saves untold millions in modelling fees, and it fills the slot in the list of World Famous Supermodels reserved for Japan (seriously: has there ever been a Japanese, or even Asian supermodel that found success outside her home region?). At least as graceful as a drugged Kate Moss [and more coherent], the Robo-Model looks like a win-win all around. Domo arigato, dear Ms. Robato!

You don't need to make good humor up. Just read your local newspaper [or news feed].

-Mike Riley

2 Thoughts, 1 Post...

...not to be confused with 2 Girls, 1 Cup. And no, I'm not linking to it. After a year or so, I've finally gotten the damn thing out of my head [fortunately, without therapy. By the bye, what sort of revulsion therapy would work in that situation? Teletubbies? If you haven't seen or heard of it, consider yourself blessed...]

Anyway, in reference to our last post, the protests, fortunately, turned out to be a non-event [here's a story, with video, from the Buffalo News] Sorry to get you worked up over nothing [that said, I truly believe anger over injustice, prejudice or stupidity is one of the greater gifts God gave to His Creation].

Elsewhere; I've always prided myself on the amount of reading I do. But recently, I've had cause to doubt my skillz. While on Facebook, I discovered a list of 99 books [not 100, as advertised in the set-up: still, it's a substantial list] ; you're then asked to indicate which of them you've read. I'm not going to run the entire listing by you: suffice it to say it runs the gamut from Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy [yes] to Les Miserables [no, but I saw the musical on PBS, if that counts], with stops at Winnie The Pooh and Lord Of The Flies [as well as Lord Of The Rings] to boot. Out of 100 [or 99, actually], I've read only 23 [I'm very embarrassed about this, but I've decided to be honest about it]. A few comments...

-Lord Of The Rings - About 1 1/2 books in, I just plain lost interest. Too many Hobbits, Halflings, and Dwarves to keep sorted out. That noted, I thought The Hobbit was well worth wasting time over;

-Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes - Why is Sherlock Holmes the only known cocaine-user in history to get introspective on the drug, instead of the manic action most users report? Could it be that Conan Doyle [a doctor, let's remember] just picked a drug at random, then gave Holmes the symptoms he wanted him to have? (Readers of early Holmes stories will remember how often Doyle used the term vegetable alkaloid when he wanted a quick, easy-not-to-explain plot device)

-A Confederacy Of Dunces - Probably my favorite book on the list. If you haven't read it yet, you really should.

While we're talking about books, and reading, I was startled by this item from Reuters. Strangely enough, the only book on the list I've read [1984] is the one most claimed as read by Britons. Just another difference between our former landlords and us...

-Mike Riley